Waiting

It seems I spend a lifetime waiting. There is a wait for everything. For instance, right now I am at my child’s dance studio and I am waiting for quiet in the bullpen where the parents sit and the previous class just let out. I am always waiting at some class for the class to finish or for quiet.

When i was younger I seemed to wait less. I didn’t rush to grow up. I was never waiting for that. I didn’t wait to start my career because I always struggled with what sort of career I would have. When I discovered boys, well, I rarely thought about the future, I lived in the now. I loved to the fullest in the now, simply expecting it would always be like that. I now know this is called naivety or immaturity. I think I only matured, and am still maturing, after I had a child and my parents became ill. I didn’t know to wait because I didn’t know there would be any change. Was I incapable of looking ahead? Seems so odd to me now, writing this. How could I not anticipate there would be a tomorrow, a future. had no one mentioned it to me, let alone, taught me about the future?

I guess I never learned to plan or to look ahead or to look forward to anything. This explains my years of drifting, going with the wind, free lifestyle, free spiritedness. I never waited as I didn’t know there was anything to come. Had I only known, maybe I could have, would have, planned. Maybe. Could be. I would hope. But it is easier to look back than to look forward.

When I later lived for my career, traveling and whatever love of my life that I happened to have at the moment, I was just enjoying the now. Perhaps I would wait for the end of the work day so I could go to dinner and a movie with the current love of my life. Or perhaps I would wait for the weekend to come, in anticipation of an exciting, relaxing and fun weekend without a schedule or responsibility in sight. I not only lived in the now, I also lived for myself. It now seems it was a selfish and decadent life, as I since have learned after years of living. And I now also realize that much of it was in my mind. I lacked communication and so I just thought whatever I felt. My emotions controlled me.

These days I wait all the time. I wait at classes. I wait to get quiet at night. I wait to sleep. I wait whenever I have payment for a freelance job coming to me. I wait to pay my bills. I wait to go food shopping, to clean, to do all the humdrum boring things I am not good at. I wait for difficult times to be over. I wait for all to be healthy. I wait to be able to earn a good income again. I wait for peace and happiness.  I wait to be understood. I wait for time to stand still so aging will stop. I wait to win the lottery and be able to buy that wonderful, beautiful big house I pass all the time. I wait to make new friends. I wait again to be understood.  And I wait. I wait in limbo. I wait.

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