Gosh, has it only been a month?

img_0587Most people are not activists, but how can you not be today. You are either with him or against him. I am against him and the rest of  his motley crew. Now I am part of the resistance. I didn’t know this on Jan 19th but it quickly became clear to me. But how can one not be. Unless one is part of the group that voted for him, I guess. It is hard to believe how people could vote for him. I have friends who voted for him. It makes me rethink everything. Right now the nation is divided into two parts. Two extreme parts.

Most people are now activists for one side or the other.

I am afraid for my future and my children’s future. And then the Muslim ban happened. And then I became furious. That was it, I was where I needed to be, marching, with a sign. Enough is enough. And that was only one week in.

As if life isn’t hard enough. Now we are going backward in time and need to fight again for the rights we already had. And it makes me dizzy. Which fight shall I focus on? I am passionate about them all.

What are YOU fighting for?

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Waiting

It seems I spend a lifetime waiting. There is a wait for everything. For instance, right now I am at my child’s dance studio and I am waiting for quiet in the bullpen where the parents sit and the previous class just let out. I am always waiting at some class for the class to finish or for quiet.

When i was younger I seemed to wait less. I didn’t rush to grow up. I was never waiting for that. I didn’t wait to start my career because I always struggled with what sort of career I would have. When I discovered boys, well, I rarely thought about the future, I lived in the now. I loved to the fullest in the now, simply expecting it would always be like that. I now know this is called naivety or immaturity. I think I only matured, and am still maturing, after I had a child and my parents became ill. I didn’t know to wait because I didn’t know there would be any change. Was I incapable of looking ahead? Seems so odd to me now, writing this. How could I not anticipate there would be a tomorrow, a future. had no one mentioned it to me, let alone, taught me about the future?

I guess I never learned to plan or to look ahead or to look forward to anything. This explains my years of drifting, going with the wind, free lifestyle, free spiritedness. I never waited as I didn’t know there was anything to come. Had I only known, maybe I could have, would have, planned. Maybe. Could be. I would hope. But it is easier to look back than to look forward.

When I later lived for my career, traveling and whatever love of my life that I happened to have at the moment, I was just enjoying the now. Perhaps I would wait for the end of the work day so I could go to dinner and a movie with the current love of my life. Or perhaps I would wait for the weekend to come, in anticipation of an exciting, relaxing and fun weekend without a schedule or responsibility in sight. I not only lived in the now, I also lived for myself. It now seems it was a selfish and decadent life, as I since have learned after years of living. And I now also realize that much of it was in my mind. I lacked communication and so I just thought whatever I felt. My emotions controlled me.

These days I wait all the time. I wait at classes. I wait to get quiet at night. I wait to sleep. I wait whenever I have payment for a freelance job coming to me. I wait to pay my bills. I wait to go food shopping, to clean, to do all the humdrum boring things I am not good at. I wait for difficult times to be over. I wait for all to be healthy. I wait to be able to earn a good income again. I wait for peace and happiness.  I wait to be understood. I wait for time to stand still so aging will stop. I wait to win the lottery and be able to buy that wonderful, beautiful big house I pass all the time. I wait to make new friends. I wait again to be understood.  And I wait. I wait in limbo. I wait.